My Life, Don't Judge Me
by Kitty-Senpai
Summary: Song fic


**A/N: So, I was really sad while I was listening to "Traveling By Ambulance" by Monarchy, and this just kind of came out**

My life

"Craving human touch" a hug. That's all I need. If not just one embrace. Please. "You're the sweetest curse" I want to love her. The one parent that I have lived with for all my life. But I can't stand the fact that she hides too much from me. She gave me little attention, and now that I want space and have grown used to the deficiency of that attention, she won't let me out of her sights. I am a regular teenager and want independence. "Open up your arms" but she is still there for me, even if it is 24/7. But I'll never tell her that. Ever. "Push me, pull me down" I have had to endure so much in my life and still have much to face. Sure, each time my heart is ripped into shreds, and I can't change anything because in everyone's eyes, I'm just a kid. What could I do? "My lips won't make a sound" I remember a quote saying that there was no such thing as a painless lesson. If that's true, why should I complain? I've felt pain too often. Soon I won't feel anything. "Can't bear to do without" I don't think I could even comprehend my life if I knew no pain, if I had no emotion. Would that be the ultimate depression? Am I depressed? How do I know? "We're tied together" is that what helps me give advice? My many experiences with these problems. Do they even apply to anyone else's problems? I want to know. "Traveling by ambulance" where would I even go to find a solution? It's not like someone has all this knowledge. I wonder if there is a single person alive that had to go through my exact situation. "You arrest my heart" is this what I need from someone close to me? Someone that knows me well enough? "But I knew this from the start" it is. "Too old to let it go" like Hell I'd let this go. I had found out the truth, a very cruel thing to learn. The reason the two most important people had split up and left me in the middle, after multiple claims of that being the last thing they wanted to do. "Too young to work it through" I can't handle this. It's too much. All the stress. The hatred. The misery. The dreams of what would have been my perfect family, shattered. All of it. And I can't cope with it. "Just carry on with scars" as if I could ever tell someone, anyone about all this. The pained cries of missing one of my constants. The sleepless nights followed by tear-stained pillows. The look on rileighs face when I have to leave. But I guess I put up a good enough facade, because no one seems to truly ask me how I'm feeling. I don't even know who I would talk to. "Let's take off our disguise" No one truly knows who I am. But I'd rather keep it that way. People have enough problems without mine included. "The truth is all and well" it took me 6 years to get used to the fact that my life was different, I was different. Then, on that seventh year, she did it to me again. The man that taught me so much, that raised me for more than half of my life, was gone, erased just like my the first man that had given me life. And I still have t gotten over this one because all it did was open up old wounds. "I found you in you're eyes" a persons eyes can tell me everything. People try to do what I do, but I can always see past it. She tries to 'be strong for me' as a single parent, but I see her pain, her sorrow, and her pride. But most of all I see that fake smile, and it's been there since as far back as I remember. "We're tied together" if I could find just one person, a single person, that has gone through my situation, feelings and all, no, just a friend that knows me well enough that they see through my facade, I would be truly happy. "Traveling by ambulance" a friend that was with me through thick and thin. That I could tell and do anything with. And when I fall again they have an extended hand and a true smile that tells me to get the fuck up. "You arrest my heart" maybe even someone that I could pull in close when I need a hug, because stuffed animals and my own pet won't cut it any longer. I need someone to be close to home so I can have face to face conversation instead of screen to screen. "But I knew this from the start" I guess this is always what I wanted. I had always been social enough to make new friends at every new opportunity. I did it all to find this friend. But I still haven't. I may never. I have been searching for 10 years at the least and have no leads. "Don't wanna be all alone" I always just want to be alone. To be able to be lost in my own thoughts is always soothing and to just have a moment of silence feels perfect. But if I was ever truly alone, I would break down because I have been alone too many times. I got used to eating meals alone. I draw in silence. Every moment I can, I try to be alone, but it would kill me to not have at least one person to at least smile for me. "You can put me on life support" I wouldn't care if I had all these people I knew. I wouldn't rest until I had made every one of them my friend. I could have all these people support me, and not care until each was shown gratitude and given the same treatment. "Throw away all the cards" I don't think I would even care if I was in the last moments of my life. I would march up to the very last house, thank the very last person, and then die, hopefully with the both of us smiling. "You're the light in the dark" and only then would I realize, I may not have found that one person, but look how many other great people I met on my way. People that would take the time to help out a person beyond help. People that would ever bother to be my friend. "Burnt fingers won't recover" but if I ever think like that, would I ever find them? Even if I did, it wouldn't really matter because look how far I've come. I got through all it with all the 'insignificant' people I met on my little, eternal quest. "Won't recover anytime soon" will I ever get over these obstacles in my life? No. Because they will stay with me and help my mindset develope. I already promised myself that I won't get divorced because of what it did to me. I won't leave my children alone in their early lives, because it would make us distant. I won't force strict rules on my teenager because I know that everyone has certain needs, like a moment of silence and thoughts. "Light a fire" if I maybe did one amazing thing, would I finally be recognized? My mother never cared what I did up until I told her I wanted to live with my father, my hero. No achievement could ever please her. So I've come to the conclusion that I have no purpose. Because no one have me that recognition. It always surprises me when I see my hand drawn picture from a young age. Then I realize, they care. If the one person that is supposed to influence me the most didn't care, at least someone did. "Let's run in to it" and hen I turn around and everything in my life seems mixed up. In third grade I asked if she wanted to keep a test I did very well on, the answer was you choose. I kept it. Seventh grade I ask if she wants to keep all the art I made in school, which was horrible, and she stashes it like a hoarder. "Run into it" and then my life becomes a routine. The same thing all the time. I want to do something. If I'm not allowed to sit on a hill that is ten yards from my doorstep, what can I do other than sleep, eat, learn, eat, sleep? "Don't wanna be saved" I can't let them do everything for me. I need to do it. But am I allowed? I don't give a shit. It doesn't matter anymore. Let me do my own god damn thing. Please. "Craving human touch" if I can't do it, it's better that I find out myself, instead of being told. That would make things worse because of my stubborn, temperamental nature. I need someone there to guide me, not tell me. That's all I ask. "You're the sweetest curse" and if I am not allowed to figure it out on my own, I will anyway. And the result will be the one you wanted to protect me from. "Open up your arms" so just be there, watching, mixed in with the crowd. "We're tied together" I never understood why I could never seem to tell anyone this in a way as unbiased as this. I think this is also changing my view of my own life, if only a little. And I am glad for it. "Traveling by ambulance" it almost kills me, this recollection of my life because, as cliche as it sounds, I keep finding these feelings I never knew were their. It almost hurts. "You arrest my heart" and I can't help but think why am I doing this. The very thing I told myself I would never do; tell people how I really feel. "But I knew this from the start" I was never good at keeping things under tight wraps. I couldn't hold things in too long or I wouldn't sleep well, feel well, or, sometimes, for weird reasons, physically hurt. "Don't wanna be all alone" if I had no one to talk to this about, I can't imagine what I would do. Probably go insane from all the stress and strain it put on my heart. "You can put me on life support" but then I have to wonder, could I go without a friend that would help me out of the grave I dig myself, or would I continue to dig it until I end up dead. "Throw away all the cards" I would give up everything. "You're the light in the dark" until I had. "Burnt fingers won't recover" nothing. "Won't recover" because old habits. "Anytime" die. "Soon" hard.

**Sorry to just make people sad, especially if they had an amazing day, but thank you to everyone that reads this.**


End file.
